Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
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