I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
