You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
