Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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