Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
