So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
