were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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