Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
