I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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