Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
