two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
