i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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