I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
