you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
