last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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