if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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