my phone needs a breathalizer
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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