I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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