this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
