I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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