I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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