just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
