he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
