Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
