my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
