new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
