Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
