I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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