i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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