The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
