i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
and she was petting her beer can
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
