Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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