Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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