conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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