I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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