i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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