True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
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