NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
