my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The uberlube is also flammable
sex in a hospital.. check
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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