I got chris browned last night
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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