honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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