I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
