dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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