saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
