I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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