I CAN MOONWALK!
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
