You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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