hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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