No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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