My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
The uberlube is also flammable
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Randomize
